TW – Battle Deep Inside

The knot in your stomach begins to form 

As I try I try not to feel it

The lump in the throat begins to swell 

As I try not to throw up 

My mind racing 

As fast as tornado sweeps through

A hurricane has its top speed

There is no slowing it 

I stare off to space

Trying to focus

Only to see something shiny

My demons squeal with pleasure 

My hand reaches for it

Picks it up

Looks at the beauty 

The person deep inside

Screaming 

Telling me to put it down

I keep toying with it

Saying only one cut

It won’t hurt a bit

I finally put it down

Walk away

Fighting the urge 

Swirling words

Telling me how much longer

Can I outlast

Is it worth it anymore

For no one seems to care

Then I see the blue eyes

Reminds me I can’t

I continue to fight

Each day I feel like I’m losing 

Losing a battle no one knows I’m fighting

Most don’t care

The demons playing 

Partying

Having fun

Causing chaos in my head

No way to stop the sounds

The squealing

Laughter

Taunting

Beginning me

The tornado of words continue to swirl

Clouds dark

Pour raining

Nothing left

Just a battle to fight

No one to fight with

https://talispoetry.blogspot.com/2023/07/tw-untitled.html?m=1

Closeness

The closeness of hearts

Blend into one

A heartbeat that is no longer two

We breathe in sync 

As the world spins around us

Not letting anyone in

Only the two of us

You hold my gaze

With your curled finger on my chin

Telling me your thoughts

With no words to hear

I can read you

See it in your eyes

The way you move

Softness of your touch

Our bodies our one

As your arm wrapped around me

Pinning me against yours

Feeling you skin

Everything about you

This isn’t about skin

But the mind itself

Intimacy forms 

With each passing breath

Your gaze never waving

You begin to steal my my heart

With your soft touch

The closeness that we feel

Is undeniable 

Unimaginable 

Somehow

We are here

https://talispoetry.blogspot.com/2023/07/closeness.html?m=1

What If

What if I say the wrong thing

Tell you how I fell

Do something you don’t like

Will you walk away

If I tell you I love you

How sexy you are

Will you walk away

No matter the feeling

Emotions deep inside

I am afraid it’s the same

Like last time

The person walked away

I asked too many questions 

I said to many things

I pushed to hard

I said I love you to many times

They walked away

Will this time be the same

The questions I have

The remarks I have

The look want to give

The words that want to escape

I am so terrified of what will come

Are you telling me you’ll stay

Will you just go

Am I just here

Cause you know I’ll never go

https://talispoetry.blogspot.com/2023/07/what-if.html?m=1

Scratching – TW

A man walked in front of me

I swerved to miss him

Then it began

My hand on my neck 

My fingers behind my ear

Scratch

I feel my heart racing

Scratch

I am trying to breath

Scratch

Scratch

I’m forcing the breaths to stay calm

Then I notice

The scratching

It’s getting harder

Behind my ear

I have to stop

I can hear the voice in my head

Screaming my name

Over and over

STOP!!!

I finally stop

After a minute

I feel the scratching continue behind my ear

I want to scratch more

God I can’t

It takes every ounce of me

I have to grip this wheel

I’m almost home

I got this

I pull in the drive

Press 1 for vet

Press 3 for LGBTQ+

Someone please answer

Someone picks up

I’m trying to breath

Telling them I’m ok

Telling them I’m safe

Am I saying that

Do I believe it

God I want to scratch more

I tell them what happened

I try to tell them I didn’t want to

It was an accident

It just happened

My hand was in my neck

Then it started

Oh my god it’s my fault 

Maybe I should have paid better attention

Maybe I should I have something else

No, swerving was a good thing

Wait am I back to zero

This isn’t good

I let them down

I can’t do this

How could I do that

How can I go back down to zero

Maybe it doesn’t count

Wait the definition says

Shit!

I have too start again

How could I be stupid

I can’t make them worried

I did

I made them worried

The call I’m on

They are trying to help

Hour and half later

I’m calming down

I think I’m ok

Oh wait 

I’m not ok 

Someone asked me

How ok I was

I told them

I was

I don’t know

I can’t breathe

My heart pounding

Make this stop

How do I make this stop

I can’t keep letting them down

I have let them down enough

I can’t start again

https://talispoetry.blogspot.com/2023/07/tw-scratching.html?m=1#more

I Remember

I remember as if it was yesterday
Driving out of a small town
Down dark roads
No cell reception

I remember feeling frightened
Scared
Violated
Like I just dreamt what happened

Tears running down my face I made a call
“I think I was raped” I cried
Feeling stunned
Those words just left my mouth
I spoke in detail of the night
I was hoping it was a no
The voice on the other end
“Yes, that is rape”
I no longer could hear

Driving 80 mph down a dark highway
Figuring out how to get home
Barely any cell cover
Till the next two towns over

I drove as fast as I could
Telling my story
My face stained
Barely able to focus

I hung up and called a friend
“Can I come over”
I drove there as quickly as I could
She looked at me
She knew
I hugged her and then collapsed

I sat on the sharp gravel
Not feeling a thing
The numbness kicked in
The tears stopped
I had no more to shed

I finally spoke
Told her what happened
I bare got the words out
She saw red

I sat there for what seemed like hours
Who really knows
I finally got up
“I have to go”
I left after a hug goodbye

I remember as if it was yesterday
Tears staining my face
Calls being made
Friends by my side
Feeling alone
Nowhere to turn
My safety is gone

I feel like it was yesterday
It was 4 years ago
4 years of feeling safe
Living the life

I remember as if it was yesterday
Your voice stopping me
Trying to get me to smile
Telling me to have a good time
The next day you saw me

I remember as if it was yesterday
That I began to fight
Fight everyone around me
Those who said it was my fault
I shouldn’t have been there

I remember as if it was yesterday
I remember
I’ll never forget

Ok, yeah

Ok
Yeah
Seriously
Why these words
Trying to find a way
To defuse the situation
All you do is tell me
Why everyone hates you
It’s not true
You say no one cares
Crave the world around you
You rather sit alone
Be miserable
Make those around you too
The lies you tell
are ones you believe
No one can tell you differently
Yeah
Ok
Is all you get
I’m tired of the abuse
The all about me
People do care
Those you think don’t
Really do
You just don’t want to hear it
You make people feel sorry for you
So stop and be better
Only you can change
You never will
Can’t you see what you are doing
Of course not
You never will

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Too Much

I know I am too much at times
I have trauma like the next
I know what I want
Unlike the next

All I want is someone to believe
That I can be loved
Maybe set free

I fight this battle on my own
I just don’t want to
I want a hand to hold
A body to hug
Told I’m going to be okay

I tried to encourage
Maybe to much
If that can be
Always look for the positive
Not the Nancy that holds you

Life is what you make it
The positive
Negative
Everything in between
Just look up
Have faith
Someone has it worse than you

The words you spoke
Hit so close
Made me feel good
Yet felt so guarded

I wanted to let go
Let the walls down
Am now too much
For you to hold

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Can’t Sit There

I was never allowed to sit on furniture
Even at a place I lived
I lived like this for nearly 20 years
No one seemed to care

People never saw the hate
The shame that came
Let alone the abuse that formed
Just because I was two sizes bigger than them all

Even now I’m afraid to sit down
At peoples homes or other places
When you sit on your own
The crack begins to form
The feeling comes back

The tears fall down
The hate comes back
Insecurities form

From the hair on my face
The jeans to small
Clean up my act from the word that was formed
Never good enough

I want to get sick
Try and rid these feelings
I can’t, know matter how I try

In my head I feel the blade
On my skin I feel no pain
In my heart it breaks
Tears streaming down my face

All because I wasn’t allowed
To sit where you sit
The impact I faced